Shrink-o-Matic

Humans seem to have a weakness for the unattainable - whether it's the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden, or the other guy's woman, or that last piece of pie in the 'fridge - many seem to covet that which they cannot have. Time and again, individuals make poor decisions, investing wasted energy to obtain the just-out-of-reach, only to excuse their behavior with "But I'm only human". Madonna seems to agree with this: "I'm not sorry; it's human nature". Sure, being human means being fallible, but where do you draw the line?

I'm not completely angelic in this regard. I've wanted the food I couldn't (or shouldn't) have been eating; or the newest electronic toy that I didn't need. But the other guy's woman? Or the other girl's man? No way. The "other" person is where the line is drawn. Oh sure...there have been challenging times in any of my relationships where for a brief period, especially after I'd met some attractive potential person, the thought passed through my mind, too. But it stopped there. After all, life experiences show us that the grass is most often not greener on the other side. Challenges exist in every type of relationship, but in this age of "instant" everything, so many seem ready to toss the tried and true for the new and shiny. But is that a sign of the electronic times, a side effect of the detached interpersonal relationships built on E-mails, texts, instant messengers, or has this always been the way of man/womankind?

I'd like to find a way to blame modern times for the downfall of human relations. In a way, it makes me feel better to think there is some sense of control if things are going to ruin in the present day. Heck, maybe we can even change it. But when that fails, I suppose we can always blame the Tree of Knowledge, can't we?

After all, everybody else has been doing it for ages.

Researching specific neurotic behaviors, I accidentally came across an article in Time Magazine stating, "In general, more highly developed personalities tend to develop neurotic quirks, more primitive personalities to go really crazy." Uh uh, they did not just say that! Time magazine qualified mental disorders as "crazy"? Is this a joke? Who wrote this? In my search for the un-PC (politically incorrect) author's name, I caught the date of the article: April 15, 1935. Oh, ok, that makes more sense. 1935. And on Tax day, too!

What fascinated me about this article is not only its elementary psychological language ("crazy"?) but its explanation of what psychotherapy means. Nowadays, there is hardly anyone alive who doesn't know what therapy is all about: to some, it's for the "crazies," and to the rest, it's a way of life! In either case, therapy is a staple of the medical field and neuroses don't even begin to describe the disorders that can creep out from the DSM-IV-TR (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) into your medical chart.

But at the end of the day, what does it all come down to? Do people today still uphold the ignorant stigma that psychotherapy/psychology is only for the "crazy"? You betcha! However, ignorance of the field aside, I admit I got a chuckle out of the Time magazine article. After all, according to that, my neurotic quirks are not only not bad, but a sign of a highly developed personality! In other words, if you're intellectually evolved, you're likely neurtoic. Otherwise, sorry - you so crazy!

How un-PC is that? And yet, I'm laughing.

Is that so very wrong?

After such a lengthy absence from my blog, I'm back with a vengeance - two blogs in two days! I wow myself. ;)

But this is a typical behavior pattern for me. I actually believe myself nearly incapable of doing anything halfway: it's an ALL or NOTHING scenario here. This kind of behavior is somewhat compulsive and is one hairline away from being obsessive-compulsive in nature, but it's also one punctuation away from being dysfunctional. A fine balancing act, don't you think?

For instance, I was suffering from serious guilt for over-eating during the recent holidays, so instead of modifying my eating habits, I took it to the other extreme and didn't eat much but crackers for two days. Today, however, when a nice box of 6 (six), large, chocolate-dipped fortune cookies was delivered to my home from my attorney, I couldn't resist but eat one...or six. Initially, I put the cookies away in the pantry, determined to give them away or eat one every few weeks. However, by the time I'm done writing this blog...I will have eaten the entire box of cookies. I feel as if I've morphed into the Cookie Monster.

Yes, it was an unhealthy feast, alright, but it was so difficult to resist the (compulsive)urge. Okay, maybe I didn't try all that hard to resist. Like a scene straight out of "Alice in Wonderland," the cookies called my name, whispering "eat me". I did; oh, did I ever. Regardless, the guilt has set in once more.

How many of us exhibit compulsive behaviors in other areas of our lives? Clearly, eating is a big yo-yo struggle for many with a feast/famine pattern (and it is also the making of eating disorders). But what about love/hate patterns seen in a romantic relationships? Or excessive exercising versus doing the couch potato? Add to that the hourly compulsion to check email, or repeatedly log into popular social-networking sites, like Facebook or MySpace, and you have the making of a very neurotic generation of people.

Feast or famine themes seem more common in people's lives than most realize. And in a twisted fashion, since most of us suffer from one or another form of obsessive/compulsive behavior, it seems to "normalize" the existences of dysfunctional behavior in the rest of us: "Oh go ahead, have that extra cookie! We all do it!" Sure, but at what cost?

Then again, misery loves company...they say.

Firstly, I want to wish all of you a very happy 2009. May this year be the one where all your wishes come true.

I also want to thank all my readers for your wonderful support of my blog, and for guilting me into once again picking up my cyber-pen and addressing more neurotic thoughts.

Thirdly, I hope everyone is enjoying this first day of the New Year, now that the hula balu of Hanukkah/Christmas/New Year's Eve has worn off and reality is starting to set in in the form of: outrageous credit card bills, weight gain, and the most holiday-free time of the year.

Let's say it together: Hooray for January 1st!

Ever see one of those tiny ads on the sidebar of your Facebook page or on any number of relationship-oriented website that promises you the perrrfect relationship, overnight? It reads something like: "Is you lover pulling away from you? Is he/she unable to commit? Do you struggle with clear communication with your partner? Read our quick guide to learn how to bring him closer and have your dream relationship NOW!" Alas, the lovelorn and the eternally hopeful fall prey to these types of miraculous make-overs all the time. Sadly, these love miracles are actually more like a love mirage. Why? Let's take a closer look at what these ads offer:

* You can fix your relationship today!
* Find out exactly what your lover wants from you!
* Communicate better so that you'll never have misunderstandings between you and a lover again!
* Raise your self-esteem overnight and draw your lover closer immediately!
* Get him/her to commit NOW!

Wow. Promises, promises. If true, these God-sent gems can save lives and put to shame any number of professionals who spend months helping people overcome a lifetime of individual and interpersonal issues. So what magical potions do these special folks possess to be able to make such miraculous claims? What secret voodoo tricks do they practice? How curious ARE you to find out for yourself? For the price of one E-mail address (and endless spam mail), you can get all the answers that you seek! Yes, dear reader...you can have the relationship of your dreams! Get the guy/girl to commit to you, today! Overcome all your issues...NOW!

These claims are as good as those annoying Yahoo E-mail ads that claim you can erase your wrinkles overnight. Riiight.

Let's be real. Miracles don't happen overnight. And if you have two people in a relationship, and one or both have some serious issues to deal with, you have a long way to go, baby!

So what's a hopeful romantic to do?

Carolyn Hax, Style columnist for the Washington Post, recently published a checklist for all you girls (and boys) out there who wonder if your lover is "The ONE". Frankly, after reading the list, I felt so depressed that I decided I might want to be single forever. In fact, I think 99.9999% of the world would be single, as they'd come up short to "the One" list (below) created by Ms. Hax. But reality bitch-slap from the Washington Post aside, Ms. Hax's article offers some good pointers on what to look for in a partner to see if you two are, at least, compatible. Take the points with a grain of salt, dear readers, because no one..and I mean, NO ONE, is this perfect. I warn you, no matter if you think you're with Mr. or Ms. Perfect...your lover will fall short! Now, read it and weep:

How do I know if someone is "the one"?

(1) If you're asking me, he's not it. You're not marveling at your luck in finding this guy. He deserves that. You do, too. End of discussion? Maybe. However, some people feel lucky just to have someone rich, or pretty, or breathing, so it's important to calibrate your concept of luck.
(2) Do you love, not just like, each other?
(3) Do you like, not just love, each other?
(4) Do you talk to each other easily? Sit in silence easily?
(5) Are you both past the point of comparing yourselves with or seeking approval from your parents? Peers?
(6) Do friends and family approve? (Trick question.) Do you respect their opinions? Should you?
(7) Should you respect your opinions? Can you spot abuse and control? Have you outgrown any need to delude yourself, and can you admit when you're being shallow, stubborn, immature? When you're score-keeping, holding grudges, shifting blame, undermining, told-you-so-ing, abusing substances or otherwise making suspect decisions?
(8) Are there no major objections, recurring arguments, unhealed emotional wounds between you? Do you two handle conflict well enough not to fear it? Are you free to be yourselves, where others seem to walk on eggshells?
And finally: (9) Do you understand that you can get all of this "right," and get everything else "right," and be raised by parents who got this "right," and still have things go wrong? That cosmically, practically and mathematically, the whole concept of "the one" is ludicrous? This is sounding like an argument for serial monogamy. But operating from a fear of missteps is itself a misstep. Have the guts to accept life without guarantees, and to let good fortune speak for itself. Oh, and if you're wondering where sex is, it's covered by 1-9.

Well, there goes MY perfect relationship!

There must be a case of "voluntary deafness" going around these days. Maybe it's a bug, a virus, or maybe it's just convenient. But I've noticed a trend of people not listening to or hearing what you have to say: "I don't remember that," they respond blankly, as though it's the first time they've heard you mention a certain point, even if you know for a fact that you've repeated yourself 10 other times and six ways from Sunday. "I remember the damned conversation," you might think to yourself in disbelief, "so why don't YOU?"

People may have always had a case of convenient deafness. What else would explain human history as we know it (divorces, shady politics, wars...)? Yet, I'd personally like to believe that there once existed a world where listening skills were a sign of class, dignity, and respect for self and others. In today's society, however, truly listening to one another has given way to yelling louder and louder in order to be heard. And even then, there are no guarantees that you'll be heard. People are no longer interested in listening. Communication is a "skill" nowadays, not a normal expectation we can have of an educated, sane adult (or perhaps sanity is the issue here? Hmm.) People just don't listen to one another and so much miscommunication occurs as a result...not only on a one-on-one, interpersonal level, but on a global level. Lately, when I talk to certain people who seem to be conveniently "deaf" to certain points I'm making, I feel like I'm channeling that Verizon guy when I hear myself say, "Can you hear me now?" I'm not talking about cell phone reception here, either.

Alejandro González Iñárritu based an entire Oscar-winning film, Babel, on this very concept. I finally watched the film last night for the first time, and the frustration that I felt at the ignorant decisions the characters made because of their inability to listen/hear one another nearly matched my own frustration from earlier that evening, when having a (repetitive) conversation with a person in my life who did not want to hear me. Grrrr.

What happens when you don't feel heard? What do you do? How do you react? Do you shut down? Do you yell, in order to feel heard or to get the attention/respect you think you deserve? Or do you let your feet do the talking...by walking away, leaving a job, a relationship, or a person behind, out of the sheer frustration and annoyance, if not downright anger, of feeling unheard? I've done all of the above and the relief I've felt in leaving the "conveniently deaf" people in my life behind has not been a decision I've regretted yet. And in turning my back and walking out the proverbial door of someone's life, I've heard the little voice in my head yell over my shoulder, "Can you hear me NOW?!"

I'm sitting here, wondering...about life. Yea, well, we all do it, especially when it's the middle of the work day and it's taking a heck of a long time for Friday to roll around. But in all seriousness, I'm pondering the idea of human nature, the inherent curiosity we all have about life and its numerous options, and how the curiosity that we all nurture has created civilizations, inventions, technologies, and the exploration of not only Earth, but great galaxies, far, far away. Curiosity: not a bad thing.

And yet, I think about how this very curiosity affects our day-to-day lives and I do a mental double-take. The accessibility of the globe via the internet and cell phones (and the internet on our cell phones) brings the world to us; we no longer have to go in search of "it". Hence, our curiosity and our need for information, knowledge, a search for self either via online streaming seminars, webisodes, or even via googlebation...are all endlessly satiated while simultaneously creating a need for more, more, and more. Curiosity, one finds, feeds on itself and seems to require an enormous amount of energy and resources that we constantly seek, in order to feed the growing "monster" within us. Hmm. Curiosity: is it a good thing?

Then how does this translate into our daily, interpersonal lives? For one, people no longer meet in person as often to have a heart-to-heart talk: they pick up the cell phone, text, or even chat online. Individuals self-entertain by playing video/online games, ordering dinner on the internet (which gets delivered to your door, thereby avoiding the whole in-person hassle), and even stream movies online, instead of heading to the local Cineplex. Even better than that is that people don't even go out to find dates anymore! They join oodles of bright, shiny new online dating sites to meet "the One". And when they find someone, they resort to video-cams, conference calling, online chatting, or the telephone...instead of heading to the closest coffee shop because, hey...the internet makes life so much easier when you can live your life sitting in front of the computer in your p.j.'s., right? So where did the innate curiosity, the thirst for exploration, and the need for human contact disappear to?

The worst part of it is the fact that in spite of ALL that is available to us, at our very fingertips, people in this modern day of "you can have it ALL" are at their most depressed, anxious, unfulfilled, fearful, and unhappy, therefore self-medicating through illegal drugs, alcohol, prescription pills, meaningless/casual sex, and psychotropics. Then it makes one wonder: is curiosity and its by-products really that good a thing?

What about relationships? Divorce rates continue to climb, people continue to be dissatisfied in relationships, they still cheat (and now even more often, too, given the accessibility of partners-in-crime via online means), families are breaking up, intimate relationships appear to be more dysfunctional than ever, people don't even talk/write in full sentences anymore (tx to txt tlk), and most folks are still single, unhappy, moaning and groaning about it...and none of the innovations, technologies, or self-help methods seem to help anyone yet.

Knowing all of this, and experiencing it first hand even...why do so many of us experience a feeling of anhedonia in our day to day living? Why is it that when we do get what we want, or be with who we think we want, we still ponder the circular question(s), "Is this enough? Am I happy? Is this what I really want? Is there something better out there for me...?" Isn't that the inherent curiosity of our species biting us in the ass? Doesn't this type of over-analysis land us in a place of "there's more for me out there," therefore creating dissatisfaction (based on self-deluding expectations, a belief in the next best thing, the "never enough," or greener pastures) and leading to depression, boredom, intimacy issues, communication breakdown, break ups, and the never-ending search for something better? Are we all looking for that magical moment when we meet "the One" and run towards each other in green fields, embrace, move to the castle, and what? Live "happily ever after"? How many of us still think that's what love looks like (yea, me TOO! But I'm working on this...).

What are we all looking for, anyway?

Why do we look outside of ourselves for self-fulfillment instead of taking a peek inside of us and learning to appreciate what we do have, and not always focusing on what we think is always lacking, missing, or absent? Maybe nothing IS missing. Maybe it's something missing inside of US, and we just can't bear to look at it, so the constant search for the unnameable and the unexplainable drives away the fear of really accepting me, you, us, and the reality that hey, maybe this is IT. Can it be that simple?

I am certainly guilty of much of the above. Nonetheless, on a day like today...it makes even me - the eternal curious child - wonder...what am I looking for all this time, anyway?

I must admit...fairy tales did not do us any good. In my case, my Prince Charming really turned out to be a Princess-in-the-Making, my dreams of a big wedding with a pouffy dress now seems unnecessary (and outrageously expensive!), and the happily ever after? Well, it's not looking quite like what I imagined, but accepting what I do have is turning out to be an adventure all on its own, with unexpected twists, turns, and perhaps a surprise (happy?) ending. So is it better to enjoy the romance of reality, or do we all still long for our "castle in the sky" and hope to be rescued by...well, whomever we think ought to rescue us (God forbid, we should rescue ourselves!)?

All of this does make me wonder....

But then again, I suppose I'm just curious that way.

My own neurotic fear of committing to regular blogging aside, fear of commitment or "commitment-phobia" itself is a topic that has long been at the forefront of my mind. What is commitment-phobia? Just Google the word and you'll see that the internet is chock full of information on this particular phenomenon of the last century. For as long as one looks back at history, men and women married, but the modern day "standard" (if we can call it that) of matrimony did not uphold. Where the Eastern part of the world had harems of women and boldly said, "This is how it's going to be," commitment and fidelity to that "One" person was mostly a Western world creation. But unless a man made a conscious decision to remain faithful to his wife, his partaking in the bevy of beauties in society "on the side" was not unheard of. Yes, the wife almost always knew about it and turned a blind-eye to his infidelities because he was her husband, her "lord and master," and whether she liked it or not, she was dependent on him for financial support. If she protested and angered him, where was she to go? In those times, the idea of a man being faithful to his wife was romantic, yes, but the actuality of it occurring was also a near anomaly. Men were men (sorry boys, truth hurts!), they had their "needs" and the wife had other "duties" to attend to besides wondering where her husband spent a few measly hours. Sometimes, she may have even been glad to have been spared his "attentions" and gladly born his absence as he searched for momentary earthly pleasures.


Fast forward to the mid-1800's, the pre-Women's Lib era, and the stay-at-home wife started to finally get the picture and object to the male-dominated society. Suddenly, it was no longer okay for men to tell women where and how to handle their private parts and reproductive organs (it wasn't that simple, but for the sake of being concise here..). Before anyone could say "cuckolded," women were also daring to run around and do what men had been doing for ages: do it like they do on the Discovery Channel - in other words, have affairs...free of the gilded cage of matrimony.

And somewhere between point A and point B, the idea that marriage and commitment means the death to freedom was born - not only for the ladies, but particularly for the gents, too. But men had it so good for so long! What are they so afraid of? Thing is, men aren't the only ones guilty of commitment-phobia. The modern woman is plenty squirrely about committing to relationships, and given their history, who can blame them? But in this day and age, one can't simply say, "Look at history!" since women and men don't have to date the opposite gender. Same-sex relationships, people! So where does commitment-phobia fit into that scenario, I ask you? Why is everyone running for the hills, wanting to be "free" and "unencumbered" of committed ties, only to lament the single life (à la Sex and the City) and sign up for online dating sites to find "The One"? Isn't that confusing? C'mon, y'all! That's a little neurotic. And the best part is, companies are making millions off of single men and women who can't seem to sit down long enough to reflect on who or what they're looking for in life; so they pay a convenient sum of $29.99 a month and instead hope someone will point them in the right direction for love, romance, and...oh yeah, commitment. After all, why take responsibility for our own life choices when we can pay someone else to do it for us?

That's progress for ya, eh? Good times.

Hair is a topic of particular weight when it comes to neurotic issues. Hair styles, hair cuts, hair color, loss of hair, hair plugs, short versus long hair; it just doesn't end. You name it, there is a product, ad, store, and tons of money thrown into a multi-billion dollar industry of making people's hair look good. "Vanity: definitely my favorite sin," says the Devil, as played by Al Pacino in one of my favorite films, The Devil's Advocate. And personally, I'm no stranger to this particular sin, especially when it comes to hair.

So after much internal dialogue, I made a decision just the other day to cut off my long hair. But it seemed to give so many people such issues: "No, don’t do it! It’s long and soooo pretty!"..."You’ll regret it!"..."Oh, you’ll cry!"..."But it’s....LONG!"

But when my mind is made up, I stick to it. Kinda. By the time I made it to my stylist with a few hairstyle pictures in hand, I was having second thoughts. I had to keep telling myself, "It’ll grow back; it’s just hair. Let it go". Let it go, indeed! What a tall order that is! This has been a year of constantly struggling to "let go" of many things that don’t serve a purpose in my life anymore. Granted, my hair grows VERY slowly, so my hesitation is somewhat understandable. For instance, the last time I cut my hair from a very long look to a short bob was at the end of 2004, and it took my hair ’till nearly the end of 2007 to grow long again. But what’s long hair, anyhow? My long hair really was an excuse for me to be lazy: I’d often throw it back in a ponytail, a bun, or in a Pebbles Flinstone messy mop on top of my head. At the end of the day, the only time my long hair came in handy was when I was dancing a stripper pole (like, never), or when I was being wickedly sexy in bed (no comment ). But seeing that I spend MOST of my time working, socializing, or just being a regular non-stripper, non-sex kitten gal...the long hair was becoming more of a hassle to me than it was worth. So I took a deep breath and opted for an above-shoulder, layered cut.

As my stylist chopped off 6 inches of my long hair, I felt my heart flip-flop in my chest. Oh my god, am I making a mistake?! No turning back now! And the stylist cut away...snip, snip...snip. Three-quarters of the way, I had a change of heart: "You can stop cutting now". She looked at my reflection in the mirror as if I’m half nuts and said, "Um, I can’t leave it 3/4 of the way done. I have to finish cutting it now". I felt the tears burn the back of my eyes...oh no, I’d made a mistake. What was I to do? I decided to chit-chat with the stylist and distract myself. After an hour, when the cut was complete, I refused to look at myself in the mirror, afraid of my own reaction.

You have to understand: I have three years worth of memories attached to all that hair. But then again, I reasoned, I also have three years worth of negative energy attached to the same. Yes, this is house-cleaning for my energy and soul. This is a good thing. Embrace the change, I said to myself. Embrace the "new" me, and move forward...or, so I kept saying over and over.

After my hair was cut, colored, and styled...I looked at myself and you know what? I loved it! I felt lighter, as if unburdened by years of memories that made me sad. The hair that was gone was the same mass that embraced my shoulders and mopped up tears of the loneliest time in my life...many unhappy thoughts. It all needed to go. And just like that...I finally let it go.

It’s funny; hair is such an emotional thing. And as I get older, it gets harder and harder for me to embrace change. But whether it feels uncomfortable or not, change is the only constant in life...and it must be embraced as if your life depends on it. In a way, it does...because no one should live their life in a rut.

So goes the story of my new hair. And guess what? I’m learning to love it...a lot!

In today's dog eat dog world, I find it a great challenge to have faith in humankind. Everyone seems to be out for themselves; people, in general, seem to have lost all sense of ethics, morals, dignity, and loyalty. And yet, there are those days where you almost think...it hasn't all gone to hell.

I went to Starbucks this afternoon to get a drink...something tart, fruity, and not coffee based. A young man working there recommended the passion-flavored ice tea, which I've never tried at Starbucks. I was thirsty enough to plop down my $3.25 for an untested beverage but, before I could pay, he said, "Nah, don't worry about it. If you like it enough, you can pay for it the next time." I stood there a little confused. Then I was all, "Really?" Nice! You could have blown me over with a feather! How cool was that?

I realize it isn't a huge deal--we all get a freebie perk here and there, but when you have days where you really don't care for people..it's a treat when someone decides to look past your scowl and be kind--just because.

Of course, a Starbucks freebie isn't nearly enough to convince me that people aren't completely selfish and self-absorbed these days but, hey...it turns out I may not be completely convinced that everyone is rotten to the core, either.

Have you ever been seriously impatient with elevators? Why do we get that way? Whether we really want to go somewhere immediately or not, there's a common sense of entitlement when it comes to people and elevators.

This morning, I got on the elevator to visit the Human Resources office. I wasn't in a hurry. No one was waiting for me. I just wanted to pop in to ask a question. But the damnable elevator was not arriving, even though I'd called it maybe...oh, 30 seconds before. How dare it? I called it and it didn't come. The nerve!

After some foot tapping, some button mashing (as if that makes it come down faster, right?), and some sighing and huffing and puffing, the elevator arrived. But that wasn't enough, was it? Once I pressed the elevator floor button, I began pressing the "Close Door" button incessantly. Do you think the door closed? No. What's that button for anyway? To relieve anxiety and give us a sense of control? I honestly think the button does nothing. I've never yet had the door close when I press "Close Door". Is it just me?

Once I got up to the floor (finally!), I wandered about, even stopping briefly at the gift shop to see what's what. Some mad rush I was in, eh? But where does the pressure to "get there NOW" come from with elevators? And don't anyone judge me. I've been on the elevators with some of you, and you're all no better. Yea...you know who are!

I'm getting ridiculous. Getting? I AM ridiculous. I've surpassed ridiculous. I'm so on the other side of ridiculous, I believe I've gone around full circle and come out this side of normal. Where does that leave me? One and a half years have gone by since I've last posted here. Where was I? Was I blog-less all this time? Actually, I've posted blogs through several different services, but I just couldn't really commit to one blogging service. Eventually, I forgot where this particular blog was located, and with a half-hearted attempt to locate it, I gave up soon enough and signed up with some other service. On and on and on. Sounds rather like serial dating, doesn't it?

Actually, commitment phobia is more like it--I can't commit to a blog! I don't know which one I love best, or which one will provide me with ever-lasting happiness, security, comfort, and yet an occasional pleasant surprise or two. What if I make the wrong decision and stick to ONE blog? Will I be happy? Will I miss out on some other blogging opportunity? Is my blogging service the "One" for me, or am I settling? Can I go back to a blog I've left behind for so long and still find enough satisfaction in it to re-ignite the connection? Can it work? Or should I create my own blog on my own website? Is this, perhaps, a case of a Blog Pygmalion and Galatea? How do I find the "perfect" blogging service? The search goes on...

Where did the time go already?

I'm not even about to discuss all that's happened over the past 348 days; who needs to re-live some of those moments? Not me. I've grown a lot as a result, met some amazing people, and have come away with some fantastic friends. Looking at it that way, it's not all bad, huh? Not all bad, no.

Needless to say, I'm a new person, in a new year, with new options ahead. Options are always good things. I mean, sometimes it feels like options are good things, and sometimes, I don't want the options. Why? Because then I'll have to make a decision, and decision-making is a difficult task...what if I make the wrong decision? What if I'm overlooking more decisions? What if this decision is irreversible? What if, what if, and what if...the list could go on.

But, the truth is, my options are here and well, I have to take them. Sometimes, when you don't even want to make decisions for yourself, life will do it for you. So looking at it from that perspective, you think, "Hey, I think I'd rather make the wrong decision here instead of allowing the Universe to do it for me." Although, frankly, I can't say I haven't sat around at times and waited for the Universe to do exactly that, you know? A new year, a new life, a new me. Wonder what the future holds.

Ooh, one of my favorite game shows is on, "What's My Line?" It's a smart, cool show. Hard to believe everyone on the show is no longer living...weird to watch shows from the days of yore and realize that wow, once upon a time these people existed and now they no longer do. That makes me think of my own life, the fragility of life and how you should live each day to the fullest. Life is so fleeting...it's weird. Oh, John Daly is not hosting tonight's show? Too bad! I like him. Arlene Francis is a smart cookie and has a fabulously sultry voice. Or had, I suppose. I was reading about the conspiracy theory surrounding the weird circumstances of Dorothy Killgallen's death around the JFK fiasco.

What a strange time that was and still a very scary one. Everything surrounding that time is still in the shadows...I also read that the Warren Commission Report is sealed until the year 2039. Did I get that right? Is it the Warren Commission Report? Yeah, here we go: Warren Commission Report

How ridiculous to do that! The public has a right to know!! And how can such a decision be upheld in the court of law? How many years is that...another 34? I'll be..omg, twice my own age! That's old. Which brings me full-circle..the fleeting nature of life. Live life to the fullest...every day. If only I could make the decision to do just that....

After much hoopla, I've decided it's time I joined the ranks of worldwide bloggers who apparently have a great deal to say. I figured, I have a lot to say, so better sooner than later.

Looking at the beige blankness in front of me, I have to wonder why it is that I suddenly have little to share. I always have such a lot to say that a two-way conversation feels like an over-rated waste of time. Here's a thought: just be quiet and let me do the talking. How about a monologue, please? Just shut up and listen to me! To ME! But keep sitting there, pretending we are in a conversation, because as long as I have an audience, we can still call this a conversation. And when all else fails, you can get up and leave, thank you very much. Off with you. I don't need you here anymore.

You know what I mean? Do you ever feel like you just aren't being listened to or that no one heard what you just said? Why does everyone think what they have to say is more important than the thoughts of the person they're communicating with? Why must everyone have the last word in everything? If everyone wants to have the last word, how do you know when the conversation has ended? If someone has the final say and the other fails to respond for a few seconds, does that mean they gave up on having the final say? Is there a hard and fast rule on the last word? Hey, let's make up a rule right now! Let's call it the "8-second" rule. Anyone who forfeits their turn in a conversation in 8 or more seconds by saying nothing gives up on the last word.

Hah! Too late. You waited too long. I just had the last word.

The last word. It's all about the last word. That really ticks me off.