Shrink-o-Matic

Ever see one of those tiny ads on the sidebar of your Facebook page or on any number of relationship-oriented website that promises you the perrrfect relationship, overnight? It reads something like: "Is you lover pulling away from you? Is he/she unable to commit? Do you struggle with clear communication with your partner? Read our quick guide to learn how to bring him closer and have your dream relationship NOW!" Alas, the lovelorn and the eternally hopeful fall prey to these types of miraculous make-overs all the time. Sadly, these love miracles are actually more like a love mirage. Why? Let's take a closer look at what these ads offer:

* You can fix your relationship today!
* Find out exactly what your lover wants from you!
* Communicate better so that you'll never have misunderstandings between you and a lover again!
* Raise your self-esteem overnight and draw your lover closer immediately!
* Get him/her to commit NOW!

Wow. Promises, promises. If true, these God-sent gems can save lives and put to shame any number of professionals who spend months helping people overcome a lifetime of individual and interpersonal issues. So what magical potions do these special folks possess to be able to make such miraculous claims? What secret voodoo tricks do they practice? How curious ARE you to find out for yourself? For the price of one E-mail address (and endless spam mail), you can get all the answers that you seek! Yes, dear reader...you can have the relationship of your dreams! Get the guy/girl to commit to you, today! Overcome all your issues...NOW!

These claims are as good as those annoying Yahoo E-mail ads that claim you can erase your wrinkles overnight. Riiight.

Let's be real. Miracles don't happen overnight. And if you have two people in a relationship, and one or both have some serious issues to deal with, you have a long way to go, baby!

So what's a hopeful romantic to do?

Carolyn Hax, Style columnist for the Washington Post, recently published a checklist for all you girls (and boys) out there who wonder if your lover is "The ONE". Frankly, after reading the list, I felt so depressed that I decided I might want to be single forever. In fact, I think 99.9999% of the world would be single, as they'd come up short to "the One" list (below) created by Ms. Hax. But reality bitch-slap from the Washington Post aside, Ms. Hax's article offers some good pointers on what to look for in a partner to see if you two are, at least, compatible. Take the points with a grain of salt, dear readers, because no one..and I mean, NO ONE, is this perfect. I warn you, no matter if you think you're with Mr. or Ms. Perfect...your lover will fall short! Now, read it and weep:

How do I know if someone is "the one"?

(1) If you're asking me, he's not it. You're not marveling at your luck in finding this guy. He deserves that. You do, too. End of discussion? Maybe. However, some people feel lucky just to have someone rich, or pretty, or breathing, so it's important to calibrate your concept of luck.
(2) Do you love, not just like, each other?
(3) Do you like, not just love, each other?
(4) Do you talk to each other easily? Sit in silence easily?
(5) Are you both past the point of comparing yourselves with or seeking approval from your parents? Peers?
(6) Do friends and family approve? (Trick question.) Do you respect their opinions? Should you?
(7) Should you respect your opinions? Can you spot abuse and control? Have you outgrown any need to delude yourself, and can you admit when you're being shallow, stubborn, immature? When you're score-keeping, holding grudges, shifting blame, undermining, told-you-so-ing, abusing substances or otherwise making suspect decisions?
(8) Are there no major objections, recurring arguments, unhealed emotional wounds between you? Do you two handle conflict well enough not to fear it? Are you free to be yourselves, where others seem to walk on eggshells?
And finally: (9) Do you understand that you can get all of this "right," and get everything else "right," and be raised by parents who got this "right," and still have things go wrong? That cosmically, practically and mathematically, the whole concept of "the one" is ludicrous? This is sounding like an argument for serial monogamy. But operating from a fear of missteps is itself a misstep. Have the guts to accept life without guarantees, and to let good fortune speak for itself. Oh, and if you're wondering where sex is, it's covered by 1-9.

Well, there goes MY perfect relationship!